Catching Up

It has been many years since I last written anything here. Many things have changed since then. Just as a warning, I expect this post to be quite personal, and I won't hold anything back. I'm not a person who particularly cares about privacy, so I’m not afraid to put this on the internet for all to see. If you want to really know what’s been going on in my head, this is the place to find out. This post will be broken into sections, depending on the who it is primarily referring to. However, length and order are of course not an indicator of importance.

My Mother:

My last post was mostly about my mother, and how I was growing to resent her. I had finally seen her for who she really was, and it was not something that I could tolerate. I could go on and on about what she has done to me, but that’s not particularly important right now. What is important is that after a terrible night of introspection and remembrance, I rediscovered events in my life which I had buried in my mind. Over the course of two hours, I re-lived the worst moments of my childhood; nearly all of them were directly caused by my mother. I’m tempted to dig up that list and put it here, perhaps I shall:

When i was in elementary school, my mom wanted to take spring pictures of me. One year, i didn't want to cooperate, and i told her to just take pictures of me playing outside. She wouldn't have any of it, and demanded that i pose for all the pictures exactly how she wanted me to. I started crying, and she still demanded that i pose. She took all of the pictures with tears pouring out of my eyes.

Not too long ago my mom was telling me about when i would return from my dads house. She would ask how it was, and i would say it was very good. She would ask about specifics and i would say that it was bad. Upon asking why i thought it was good, my response was that i was telling her what she wanted to hear. That is the only context i know other than that this conversation was when i was very young, and she recently reminded me

One time when she was at the doctor, she was being asked questions regarding pregnancies. When asked directly, she admitted to previously having an abortion in college. She demanded that i not tell my grandparents about it, and then proceeded to explain why it had to happen, then demanded again that i not tell anybody

There was a time during middle school that i insisted that she do not call me by name, but instead by 'slave'. I would then refer to her as 'imperator', meaning emperor in latin. She of course did not call me that, but i still insisted

When i was young, i was horrified of ghosts and monsters living in the basement. Whenever she needed something from down there, she always demanded that i get it for her. I would tell her i was scared, but she would demand that i do it anyway. She later made me stay in the basement for an hour while she watched tv.

Whenever i hear the sound of a front door closing, i am overcome with the overbearing sense of joy. This comes from associating the sound with my mom leaving for work

One time i showed my mom a paper i wrote for school. It was about a terrible boyfriend that she had. She demanded that i write something else, because i made it sound like she had bad taste in men. I dont remember anything after i told her i had already turned it in

There were two instances in which i was locked out after coming home from school. She was late both times because she was out looking for me instead of returning home. Neither of the times was anything done about making a backup key. She was locked outside once, and made a backup the next day

After a bad storm, the internet to my computer went out. I knew exactly how to fix it, but she refused to get me the ethernet cord. Several months pass, and another storm stops her internet as well. She calls for repairs the next day.

When signing up to vote in maryland, she was filling out the form for me. She had filled me in as an independent, when i told her that i would rather it say communist. She refused, telling me she didnt want me on a terrorist watch list. I then told her she may as well put tea party, because i would only change it later. I dont remember what followed.

When i was growing up, my aunt was always the one to buy me a bicycle. My mom never taught me how to ride it, it was my uncle. When i was in high school, my mom got me a new one that would fit me. I wanted to ride it, so she followed me in the car. When getting to the place down the street, she yelled at me saying how worried she was, and that i did it all wrong. I never touched the bicycle again

Once i was older, she always made me cut the grass. One day i refused because i was busy, but she made me do it anyway. I rushed it because i had to get back to something, and she said i didnt do a good job. She made me redo the entire yard until it was to her liking

After a big snowstorm, there was a heat wave and all the snow melted, it was flooding the basement and i was there with a bucket bailing it out into the backyard. She watched.

When i was in the hospital for pneumonia in 4th grade, and they were taking my blood oxygen level (extremely painful), i was squeezing my grandma's hand, not my moms

I never wanted to go home with my mom after having dinner at my grandma's house (which was usually every night). I never wanted to go home

My mom would not drive me to school in the morning when it was cold outside, no matter how cold (even when it was well below freezing, and i had a 2 mile walk). She always woke up just as i left for school, and didnt want to have to wake up early. It was only after my grandma yelled at her did i get driven when it was below 25

Whenever i ate at home, i would eat on a place mat on the floor. This happened well into high school

My spot for eating dinner was right in front of her chair, by her feet.

When my grandmas cat was dying, she got a new one. We ended up adopting this cat, but my mom still accuses me of conspiring with my grandma on getting a pet

When i was starting to have acne problems, my mom demanded i use a skin wash. I was skeptical, so i only used it on half of my face. When i told her of this, i made her pick which side it was, she chose wrong. She failed to remember this on at least three separate occasions

She got me an ipod for Christmas for the sole purpose of her watching tv on it while in france (making me squeeze into bed with her to watch with her)

She once got me a portable dvd player for christmas, which i have yet to use. She recently got another for her to take to work. Aside from the obvious question of why she would even need one, her reasoning was that the battery life of mine was too short. I then told her she sits right next to an outlet. i dont remember what happened after that

She was frequently short on cash, so she often borrowed from me. She would later blame me on her being short on cash when i suggested she physically take cash out of the bank so she couldn't spend it as easily

She also has yet to repay me several hundred dollars from said borrowing

One time when she took me to the bank with her, she was withdrawing from the atm. I was very small at the time, and as such was very chatty. She blamed me for her not remembering her pin, and proceeded to tell me everything we could no longer have because i made her forget it

A while back the doorframe to my bedroom was damaged (wear over time), making it difficult to close my door. I knew how to fix it, but she never wanted to get anything to allow me to do so. Recently, i started intentionally making loud sounds when trying to close my door, indicating difficulty, with the intention of disturbing her sleep. shortly thereafter we got the supplies.

I remembered these all at once, as they simply followed one after the other. I had repressed these memories, as they were troubling to me. I have had that tendency to repress bad memories. It was becoming problematic, as I could not remember any details from any trips back. This, combined with the recurring thought of ripping her limb from limb prompted me to seek help. Well, it was by the recommendation of Sammie, but I will get to that later. I started going to counseling, where I discussed the problems that I’ve had with my mother. This culminated to her actually coming to campus one day to sit down with me and my therapist. I figuratively ripped her to pieces. I had finally told her off, and she had no defense for her actions. She tried to defend herself, but I would immediately tear down her flawed logic. I had never yelled at her like that before or anyone else, before or since.

So, what came about from this?

She went back home, and acted like it had never happened. This past break (winter 2012), I went home on the premise to see if she was a changed person. Not in the slightest. I could only convince myself to go home to make sure that she had or had not changed her ways, and resolved to never return if she was unwilling to do anything about her problems. It looks like I’m not going back again.

Sammie:

The days of April 4^th to December 10^th were some of the most influential days of my life thus far. They were characterized with the formation, and termination, of my first romantic relationship. She had made it clear from the beginning that she did not want anything physical, but entirely emotional, which is almost exactly what I both wanted and needed. The courtship process lasted about two months, and then it was over after precisely 250 days. I could see that it was beyond repair for about two months before it was completely over, but we kept holding on in case it worked. The problem was that she did not want to have to deal with my problems any more. She was my emotional support during my roughest year yet, and being in that position is quite the undertaking. I would not have gone to therapy if she did not suggest it, and because of what has come of it I am both proud of myself, and alone. I’ve severed nearly all ties with my family, but it also drove away the one person I couldn’t afford to lose. At times the only thought that was able to keep me going was knowing that Sammie did care about me, somebody was rooting for me, somebody was on my side. Not anymore.

Other people:

Since my freshman year I have gained many friends. They are true friends, not like the ones from high school discussed in earlier posts. This has made this area feel like home to me. This is my home now. This is pretty accurately summed up in a post made on my last birthday:

Sunday, September 13th, 2009 was a very awkward day. I had essentially invited myself over to Matt’s apartment and played a cracked version on Halo with him for a while. It only became more awkward after I informed him that it was my birthday. Going back to my room later that night I noticed that very few people said, or posted on my wall, any 'Happy Birthday' message. That night I realized how little I actually had in this world.

Monday, September 13th, 2010. I now had the joys of Ob Lab to look forward to. I even had made some friends in the department. My mom had gotten me a cake from band, and I arranged an eating of it in the lounge. I don't remember too much from that night, but it was eventful enough to know that people cared to be around me on that day.

Tuesday, September 13th, 2011. This day was just like any other. It was probably consumed with homework, as nothing particularly memorable occurred.

Thursday, September 13th, 2012. Today was truly remarkable. Upon arriving in the lab for Undergrad, I was greeted by my closest friends to wish me a happy birthday. There were cupcakes and cookies, and Dr. Sion even offered to take me out to a bar the next time we were at a conference together! I did not make any of this happen, nor did I even ask for it. Instead, the people around me, those who I hold so dear, elected to make this one day in my life, out of all the others that I will ever have, one of the most memorable. While I may not have responded in a typical manner, I truly appreciated the incredibly kind gesture. I have come unimaginably far since I first came here. I really feel like I finally have a place in the world, and that my presence is no longer only tolerable, but actually appreciated. For once, I'm in a place where I am treated with respect and kindness, where my opinion matters, and I am genuinely happy to be. For everybody who did wish me a happy birthday today, in whatever form it may have been, I am honored. I do not expect many to understand why such a simple saying would bring me such an immense amount of joy, but today has been one of the greatest days of my life.

For the first time in my life, I’m not alone. I've lived in isolation until now, but now there are people that I can actually depend on to help me in my times of need. While I do still very much enjoy the quiet, it helps to know that I don’t have to be completely alone any longer.

Myself:

I rediscovered this blog just last week, and it reminded me of who I once was. I was pessimistic, politically driven, and alone. I am none of these now. I am now much more of an optimistic person. I have a promising future ahead of me, I have a research position at the school for a year, and that will put me in excellent standing for graduate schools after that. I’m not nearly as much of a Communist as I once was. True, I do still have a Soviet flag hanging in my apartment, but I now listen to all sides of an argument, I’m not bound by party lines anymore, and I don’t preach the word of Lenin anymore either. I’ve had a person who I could call a girlfriend, something I never actually expected to happen at any point in my life. I am a fundamentally different person now than when I first got here. I of course never expected to change, but I most certainly did. It has been gradual, as I only started noticing the differences early this year.

            I had hoped to be much more thorough in this post, but that’s not particularly necessary. It’s more catching up on the highlights than anything else I suppose. Regardless, I am quite satisfied with where I am in life right now. I’m proud of myself for who I've become.