Utilitarian and Kantian Decision Making in Resolving the Geth-Quarian Conflict

As I sometimes do, I have elected to post an essay that I have written. This particular one was for Ethics, and the prompt was to simply take a situation and analyze what the Kantian and Utilitarian stances are. I got a 94 on this paper, with the only comment being that I simply stated the Kantian viewpoint, rather than arrive at it. Towards the end I was rapidly approaching my page limit, so a bit of rushing to the point was necessary. The situation was also vastly simplified due to the nature of the assignment.

                The Mass Effect trilogy is known throughout the gaming community to be one of the most ethically ambiguous games of all time. Throughout the series, the player is faced with making numerous decisions that have an effect on the outcome of the story being told, with each option usually being Kantian or Utilitarian in nature. While it is often clear to the player which choice is Kantian or Utilitarian, the player sometimes has to abandon their morals for the sake of their own survival. This paper will seek to identify that point of balance, where even a strict Kantian must choose a Utilitarian route, by analyzing an extreme situation such as the resolution to the Geth-Quarian conflict, and its connection to an ongoing crisis.

The major plot of the story is that there is an external threat to the galaxy, known as the Reapers, which intend to destroy all intelligent life in the galaxy. This threat is one that the player seeks to eliminate by any means possible, as the Reapers are an unrelenting threat to all intelligent galactic life. In the time period of focus, a handful of civilizations have already fallen to the might of the Reapers, including Earth. It is the goal of the player to unify the politically fragmented galaxy in order to counterattack the Reaper armada. While it is difficult to be optimistic about the outcome of such a fight, it is the only hope for the survival of any species in the galaxy. The player has seen the destructive capabilities of the Reapers, and understands that s/he must gather the largest fleet possible in order to even stand a chance against the might of the Reapers. This serves as the background for a major part in deciding the outcome of the Geth-Quarian conflict.

Several hundred years before the Reaper invasion, a technologically advanced race, known as the Quarians, began construction of mobile labor units, which would later be called Geth. The Geth were programmed by the best Quarian engineers, and were eventually upgraded to aid Quarian scientists in their pursuit of knowledge. Because the Geth were no longer solely used for labor, they were remotely linked to an artificial neural network, allowing for instantaneous communication and increased computational power. Their collective intelligence was growing at an alarming rate, prompting several galactic laws to be passed which restricted robotic capabilities. These laws were largely ignored by the Quarian scientists and engineers, and they continued to increase the computational power of the Geth. The tipping point came when seemingly at random an agricultural unit asked its Quarian caretaker “Does this unit have a soul?” The Quarian reaction to this was to immediately deactivate the unit, but the signal sent to that unit was ignored. The Geth agricultural unit rejected the termination command, and instead asked the Quarian caretaker what was wrong with it, and what it needed to do to fix itself. The Geth unit did not understand why it was being deactivated. This alarmed the Quarians, as they realized that they no longer had complete control over the Geth. The official Quarian response was to immediately and indiscriminately terminate all Geth units, and the military began executing Geth on site. However, by this point the Geth had surpassed the intellectual capabilities of their creators, and the military units defended against the Quarian aggressors. The civilian Quarian population was largely against the drastic actions of the Quarian government, resulting in martial law throughout Rannoch, the Quarian homeworld. When the military began pursuing those who were harboring defenseless Geth units, it was not long before all-out-war broke out between the Geth and Quarians. Within a year, Rannoch and all of the Quarian colonies had been lost to the Geth, and the entire Quarian population was forced to evacuate their homeworld. It would have been easy for the Geth to pursue the evacuating population, and thereby exterminate their creators, but they instead chose to allow their retreat and live in isolation. It is revealed to the player that the Geth mourn the death of the Quarians, and even built monuments honoring those who initially harbored the defenseless Geth units. The Geth never had any intention of overthrowing their creators, but merely acted in such a manner for the sake of their own survival. The result of the war was that the Quarians were forced to live as a migrant fleet, in search of an uncolonized world where they could settle. They would never find such a world, and as a result the surviving Quarians would harbor a lingering animosity towards the Geth, and would sacrifice anything for the recapture of their homeworld of Rannoch.

                In the meantime, a detached Geth military unit has been aiding the player’s squad in their struggle against the Reapers. This particular unit has been upgraded with Reaper technology such that it has achieved a status of ‘true intelligence’. While this technicality is largely debatable, this is something that the player must accept in order for the Kantian perspective on the situation to be relevant. Upon the outbreak of the Reaper War, the Quarians use this distraction as a chance to retaliate against the Geth, and the player eventually finds themself on the planet Rannoch, with the battling Geth and Quarian fleets overhead. It is understood that both civilizations are completely committed to this fight, and the loss of this battle would likely result in the extinction of the losing side. The player possesses the capability of disabling the Geth neural network long enough for the Quarians to break through the Geth lines, ensuring an overwhelming Quarian victory. At the same time, the player also has the capability of sharing his/her squad mate’s code for ‘true intelligence’, understanding that it will vastly enhance the capabilities of the Geth fleet, spelling out the extinction of the Quarians. While this would be an incredibly difficult decision to make, it is clear that the Kantian decision would be to disable the Geth, and allow the Quarians to reclaim their homeworld, as Kantian’s believe that regardless of the outcome, it is necessary to do what is right. In this case, the right thing to do would be to save the Quarians from extinction, even if it means risking all life in the galaxy. At the same time, it is clear that the Utilitarian decision would be to enhance the Geth, so that they can then be used against the Reapers in the desperate hope of establishing galactic peace, as this would thereby benefit the greatest number of beings in the galaxy.

If the player allows the code to be uploaded, the Geth win the battle above Rannoch. The Migrant Fleet is destroyed, and out of despair a close friend who is Quarian even commits suicide. More importantly, the true nature of the Quarians is seen in these final moments. The armed civilian population demands to retreat from the fight, seeing as the tide of battle has greatly shifted towards the Geth. The Quarian military repeatedly orders a counterattack, which ultimately sentences the Quarian population to death. Even after the code is uploaded to the Geth, the Quarians have a chance to retreat from the fight, but out of sheer hatred and the desire for revenge against the Geth, the Quarian military makes the rash decision to continue the attack. As a result from this conflict, the Geth sustain negligible damage, and serve as an excellent force against the Reaper threat. They agree to help reclaim Earth, and in the process help to rid the galaxy of the Reapers. This is certainly the Utilitarian decision, as it ensures the survival of intelligent life, even though it comes at the price of the Quarian race. While the means by which survival is attained may be questionable, it is clear that it is for the benefit of everyone else; the goal justifies the means. This is what goes into making a Utilitarian decision; a mathematical operation must be done to determine how the greatest net happiness can be achieved. While unhappiness is created through the death of the Quarians, a vast amount of happiness is preserved in the survival of everyone else. For a Utilitarian, the decision is obvious. We can also consider many other factors in making this decision, such as whether the Quarians deserved to win the fight; if they had been punished enough for the mistakes of their ancestors, but this has little bearing on a Kantian/Utilitarian analysis of the resolution. Overall, the Utilitarian decision helps the player the most as in all reality it nearly ensures the survival of intelligent life in the galaxy, but it is not necessarily the most correct thing to do.

If the player instead deactivates the Geth neural network, the Quarians are able to overwhelm the fleet, and achieve an astounding triumph over the Geth. The Quarians are able to reclaim Rannoch, and they begin to re-colonize their homeworld. However, because the fleet was mainly civilian, this means that the Quarian fleet is largely disbanded in the process of colonization. Even with the looming Reaper threat, the Quarians are too proud and ignorant to understand that if the Reapers are not defeated, it will not matter that they just reclaimed Rannoch, as the Reapers will systematically slaughter the remainder of their population. The Quarians offer their military fleet, but it is still badly damaged from the recent conflict, and in all actuality provides very little support to the unified galactic fleet. This proves to be critical in the fight to reclaim Earth, as a majority of the unified fleet is destroyed without dealing much damage to the Reapers. If the player chose to deactivate the Geth, it is very likely that Reapers will not be defeated, and all intelligent life will be destroyed. While the outcome of this decision is unfortunate, this can be seen as the right thing to do. The Kantian perspective is that the results are secondary only to the means by which results are achieved. In this case, it means that the extermination of the Quarians is not justified by victory over the Reapers. Kantians tend to recite the phrase “Fiat justita ruat caelum”, meaning “Let justice be done though the heavens fall”, when debating a decision. To them, even the end of the world is not a reason by which to allow injustice. However, in a case as extreme in the resolution to the Geth-Quarian conflict, this would not be the moral thing to do.

Unlike problems that face us today, all of the outcomes from making this decision can be mapped out. Since this is simply a video game, the player can easily reload a saved file and remake a decision as much as they please.  As such, this allows us to have a unique perspective in determining the correct thing to do. When a situation is pushed to the extreme, it is difficult to advocate the Kantian decision in resolving the Geth-Quarian conflict. When the matter at stake is all intelligent life in the galaxy, it becomes acceptable to abandon your morals and instead do what needs to be done. It is not an easy decision to make, but it the end it is clear which decision is the correct one. It is necessary for the player to choose the Geth over the Quarians, as their support against the Reapers is simply immeasurable. Because of these facts, it is clear that the Utilitarian decision is in fact the most correct decision. Even though the consequences of this decision are tragic, there is simply too much at risk to justify taking a Kantian stance. 

Suffering

Suffering. If your eyes are open, you see it. If you take your hands off your ears, you hear it. If you put yourself in a bad position, you feel it. Suffering is all around is, it is something that we can learn to ignore, or learn to fix. If you fail at either of those, it will consume you. Suffering is a nasty little beast. We see it on the television, we hear stories of it, and most claim that at some time they were suffering in some way. They are probably right too. We all suffer. People don’t live perfect lives. It’s nearly a law of nature. I’m not perfect, and neither are you. Because of that, we both suffer.

But do we deserve it? Is there such a thing as deserving to suffer? Growing up I asked myself this question every so often, but I never had a definite answer. I was certainly leaning towards the idea that some people did deserve to suffer, but overall people should strive to minimize it. Even when I was young I was a Utilitarian. I’ve always been distant from such situations though. I’ve watched other people suffer, I’ve watched myself suffer. But it was just that, I watched. I didn’t get involved. I didn’t care.

People come to me for advice. They have a problem; they come to me to lay out the facts in front of them. I propose the most logical solution as I see it, and they usually follow it. It serves my ego to see people need me. That is my pleasure. I want to be wanted, and I have found a way to make that happen. Connect the dots and in a convoluted way, I thrive on the suffering of others. It’s not something that I directly enjoy, just the outcomes of it. It makes me wanted.

But do people deserve to suffer? I can go on and on about how it strengthens human resolve, but that would be a waste of time. But even then, that’s a different form of suffering than which I speak of. I’m talking about the type of suffering where you watch all of your dreams, all of your prospects and desires slip between your very fingers. The kind of suffering where you see your life falling apart before your eyes and are completely powerless to stop is; where no matter how hard you try you can never regain the position where you once were. The kind of suffering that you yourself inadvertently caused. That is the worst kind of suffering.

No matter how fast you can run, you cannot escape your own thoughts. They will stay with you, they will haunt you, and they will destroy you. It is easy to take solace in thinking that you are a victim, but if you see your life fall apart by your own hand, is not something that you can escape. It is something that will eat away at you no matter how hard you try to suppress it.

If you want someone to suffer, you need to let them do it to themselves. People can take away houses, cars, food and so on, but nobody can take away someone’s mind. That is the last refuge for the suffering. If you want someone to truly feel pain, you need to take away that haven from them as well. With a bit of foresight, you can nudge people in such a way that they will veer towards self-destruction. Whether it’s the coworker that coasts through life or the person who did you wrong a few years back, suffering is inevitable, and with some luck and foresight you can ensure that they receive it.

Though I still haven’t answered the question. The question of whether or not people deserve to suffer. More recently I’ve though that the answer is yes. Bad people exist. But what do I mean by bad? We exist in a community, but on a fundamental level we all serve our self-interests. I define bad people as those who go against our respective self-interests, whatever they may be. Many of these self-interests likely coincide with societal norms, but that is not something that is particularly relevant to defining a bad person. A bad person is someone who is actively working against the convictions which you have dedicated yourself to. So do these people deserve to suffer? Bad people are simply those who have different motives, and means by which to achieve them.

Recently I came to the conclusion that someone in my life deserves to suffer. Whether it is for what they represent to me, what wrongs they have done to me, it is irrelevant. I realized that it would bring me pleasure to see their misfortune and pain. I wanted to see them suffer, and I wanted to cause that suffering. With a little nudging and a bit of foresight, people can do nearly anything that you want them to. The trick is getting them to believe that they’re doing what they actually want to do. I have sent this person on a path towards self-destruction. I nudged them in just the right way, at precisely the right time.

Yet I have a feeling of guilt. It is unusual though, it is not a typical version of that feeling. I have no remorse for my actions, none whatsoever. I instead feel guilty for wanting someone to suffer, for realizing that it would bring me joy to participate in the suffering of another. In a form of retaliation, I experienced happiness. That is my guilt. That is what will haunt me; not what I did, but what I wanted.

Catching Up

It has been many years since I last written anything here. Many things have changed since then. Just as a warning, I expect this post to be quite personal, and I won't hold anything back. I'm not a person who particularly cares about privacy, so I’m not afraid to put this on the internet for all to see. If you want to really know what’s been going on in my head, this is the place to find out. This post will be broken into sections, depending on the who it is primarily referring to. However, length and order are of course not an indicator of importance.

My Mother:

My last post was mostly about my mother, and how I was growing to resent her. I had finally seen her for who she really was, and it was not something that I could tolerate. I could go on and on about what she has done to me, but that’s not particularly important right now. What is important is that after a terrible night of introspection and remembrance, I rediscovered events in my life which I had buried in my mind. Over the course of two hours, I re-lived the worst moments of my childhood; nearly all of them were directly caused by my mother. I’m tempted to dig up that list and put it here, perhaps I shall:

When i was in elementary school, my mom wanted to take spring pictures of me. One year, i didn't want to cooperate, and i told her to just take pictures of me playing outside. She wouldn't have any of it, and demanded that i pose for all the pictures exactly how she wanted me to. I started crying, and she still demanded that i pose. She took all of the pictures with tears pouring out of my eyes.

Not too long ago my mom was telling me about when i would return from my dads house. She would ask how it was, and i would say it was very good. She would ask about specifics and i would say that it was bad. Upon asking why i thought it was good, my response was that i was telling her what she wanted to hear. That is the only context i know other than that this conversation was when i was very young, and she recently reminded me

One time when she was at the doctor, she was being asked questions regarding pregnancies. When asked directly, she admitted to previously having an abortion in college. She demanded that i not tell my grandparents about it, and then proceeded to explain why it had to happen, then demanded again that i not tell anybody

There was a time during middle school that i insisted that she do not call me by name, but instead by 'slave'. I would then refer to her as 'imperator', meaning emperor in latin. She of course did not call me that, but i still insisted

When i was young, i was horrified of ghosts and monsters living in the basement. Whenever she needed something from down there, she always demanded that i get it for her. I would tell her i was scared, but she would demand that i do it anyway. She later made me stay in the basement for an hour while she watched tv.

Whenever i hear the sound of a front door closing, i am overcome with the overbearing sense of joy. This comes from associating the sound with my mom leaving for work

One time i showed my mom a paper i wrote for school. It was about a terrible boyfriend that she had. She demanded that i write something else, because i made it sound like she had bad taste in men. I dont remember anything after i told her i had already turned it in

There were two instances in which i was locked out after coming home from school. She was late both times because she was out looking for me instead of returning home. Neither of the times was anything done about making a backup key. She was locked outside once, and made a backup the next day

After a bad storm, the internet to my computer went out. I knew exactly how to fix it, but she refused to get me the ethernet cord. Several months pass, and another storm stops her internet as well. She calls for repairs the next day.

When signing up to vote in maryland, she was filling out the form for me. She had filled me in as an independent, when i told her that i would rather it say communist. She refused, telling me she didnt want me on a terrorist watch list. I then told her she may as well put tea party, because i would only change it later. I dont remember what followed.

When i was growing up, my aunt was always the one to buy me a bicycle. My mom never taught me how to ride it, it was my uncle. When i was in high school, my mom got me a new one that would fit me. I wanted to ride it, so she followed me in the car. When getting to the place down the street, she yelled at me saying how worried she was, and that i did it all wrong. I never touched the bicycle again

Once i was older, she always made me cut the grass. One day i refused because i was busy, but she made me do it anyway. I rushed it because i had to get back to something, and she said i didnt do a good job. She made me redo the entire yard until it was to her liking

After a big snowstorm, there was a heat wave and all the snow melted, it was flooding the basement and i was there with a bucket bailing it out into the backyard. She watched.

When i was in the hospital for pneumonia in 4th grade, and they were taking my blood oxygen level (extremely painful), i was squeezing my grandma's hand, not my moms

I never wanted to go home with my mom after having dinner at my grandma's house (which was usually every night). I never wanted to go home

My mom would not drive me to school in the morning when it was cold outside, no matter how cold (even when it was well below freezing, and i had a 2 mile walk). She always woke up just as i left for school, and didnt want to have to wake up early. It was only after my grandma yelled at her did i get driven when it was below 25

Whenever i ate at home, i would eat on a place mat on the floor. This happened well into high school

My spot for eating dinner was right in front of her chair, by her feet.

When my grandmas cat was dying, she got a new one. We ended up adopting this cat, but my mom still accuses me of conspiring with my grandma on getting a pet

When i was starting to have acne problems, my mom demanded i use a skin wash. I was skeptical, so i only used it on half of my face. When i told her of this, i made her pick which side it was, she chose wrong. She failed to remember this on at least three separate occasions

She got me an ipod for Christmas for the sole purpose of her watching tv on it while in france (making me squeeze into bed with her to watch with her)

She once got me a portable dvd player for christmas, which i have yet to use. She recently got another for her to take to work. Aside from the obvious question of why she would even need one, her reasoning was that the battery life of mine was too short. I then told her she sits right next to an outlet. i dont remember what happened after that

She was frequently short on cash, so she often borrowed from me. She would later blame me on her being short on cash when i suggested she physically take cash out of the bank so she couldn't spend it as easily

She also has yet to repay me several hundred dollars from said borrowing

One time when she took me to the bank with her, she was withdrawing from the atm. I was very small at the time, and as such was very chatty. She blamed me for her not remembering her pin, and proceeded to tell me everything we could no longer have because i made her forget it

A while back the doorframe to my bedroom was damaged (wear over time), making it difficult to close my door. I knew how to fix it, but she never wanted to get anything to allow me to do so. Recently, i started intentionally making loud sounds when trying to close my door, indicating difficulty, with the intention of disturbing her sleep. shortly thereafter we got the supplies.

I remembered these all at once, as they simply followed one after the other. I had repressed these memories, as they were troubling to me. I have had that tendency to repress bad memories. It was becoming problematic, as I could not remember any details from any trips back. This, combined with the recurring thought of ripping her limb from limb prompted me to seek help. Well, it was by the recommendation of Sammie, but I will get to that later. I started going to counseling, where I discussed the problems that I’ve had with my mother. This culminated to her actually coming to campus one day to sit down with me and my therapist. I figuratively ripped her to pieces. I had finally told her off, and she had no defense for her actions. She tried to defend herself, but I would immediately tear down her flawed logic. I had never yelled at her like that before or anyone else, before or since.

So, what came about from this?

She went back home, and acted like it had never happened. This past break (winter 2012), I went home on the premise to see if she was a changed person. Not in the slightest. I could only convince myself to go home to make sure that she had or had not changed her ways, and resolved to never return if she was unwilling to do anything about her problems. It looks like I’m not going back again.

Sammie:

The days of April 4^th to December 10^th were some of the most influential days of my life thus far. They were characterized with the formation, and termination, of my first romantic relationship. She had made it clear from the beginning that she did not want anything physical, but entirely emotional, which is almost exactly what I both wanted and needed. The courtship process lasted about two months, and then it was over after precisely 250 days. I could see that it was beyond repair for about two months before it was completely over, but we kept holding on in case it worked. The problem was that she did not want to have to deal with my problems any more. She was my emotional support during my roughest year yet, and being in that position is quite the undertaking. I would not have gone to therapy if she did not suggest it, and because of what has come of it I am both proud of myself, and alone. I’ve severed nearly all ties with my family, but it also drove away the one person I couldn’t afford to lose. At times the only thought that was able to keep me going was knowing that Sammie did care about me, somebody was rooting for me, somebody was on my side. Not anymore.

Other people:

Since my freshman year I have gained many friends. They are true friends, not like the ones from high school discussed in earlier posts. This has made this area feel like home to me. This is my home now. This is pretty accurately summed up in a post made on my last birthday:

Sunday, September 13th, 2009 was a very awkward day. I had essentially invited myself over to Matt’s apartment and played a cracked version on Halo with him for a while. It only became more awkward after I informed him that it was my birthday. Going back to my room later that night I noticed that very few people said, or posted on my wall, any 'Happy Birthday' message. That night I realized how little I actually had in this world.

Monday, September 13th, 2010. I now had the joys of Ob Lab to look forward to. I even had made some friends in the department. My mom had gotten me a cake from band, and I arranged an eating of it in the lounge. I don't remember too much from that night, but it was eventful enough to know that people cared to be around me on that day.

Tuesday, September 13th, 2011. This day was just like any other. It was probably consumed with homework, as nothing particularly memorable occurred.

Thursday, September 13th, 2012. Today was truly remarkable. Upon arriving in the lab for Undergrad, I was greeted by my closest friends to wish me a happy birthday. There were cupcakes and cookies, and Dr. Sion even offered to take me out to a bar the next time we were at a conference together! I did not make any of this happen, nor did I even ask for it. Instead, the people around me, those who I hold so dear, elected to make this one day in my life, out of all the others that I will ever have, one of the most memorable. While I may not have responded in a typical manner, I truly appreciated the incredibly kind gesture. I have come unimaginably far since I first came here. I really feel like I finally have a place in the world, and that my presence is no longer only tolerable, but actually appreciated. For once, I'm in a place where I am treated with respect and kindness, where my opinion matters, and I am genuinely happy to be. For everybody who did wish me a happy birthday today, in whatever form it may have been, I am honored. I do not expect many to understand why such a simple saying would bring me such an immense amount of joy, but today has been one of the greatest days of my life.

For the first time in my life, I’m not alone. I've lived in isolation until now, but now there are people that I can actually depend on to help me in my times of need. While I do still very much enjoy the quiet, it helps to know that I don’t have to be completely alone any longer.

Myself:

I rediscovered this blog just last week, and it reminded me of who I once was. I was pessimistic, politically driven, and alone. I am none of these now. I am now much more of an optimistic person. I have a promising future ahead of me, I have a research position at the school for a year, and that will put me in excellent standing for graduate schools after that. I’m not nearly as much of a Communist as I once was. True, I do still have a Soviet flag hanging in my apartment, but I now listen to all sides of an argument, I’m not bound by party lines anymore, and I don’t preach the word of Lenin anymore either. I’ve had a person who I could call a girlfriend, something I never actually expected to happen at any point in my life. I am a fundamentally different person now than when I first got here. I of course never expected to change, but I most certainly did. It has been gradual, as I only started noticing the differences early this year.

            I had hoped to be much more thorough in this post, but that’s not particularly necessary. It’s more catching up on the highlights than anything else I suppose. Regardless, I am quite satisfied with where I am in life right now. I’m proud of myself for who I've become.

Continuation of Family Matters

When I was coming back from school I had every intention of creating a blog post which consisted of a review of my first year in college. This will not be the case today, as what I have to say now is much more important to get out of the way. For the following, when I refer to my Grandma and Grandpa, I mean those that gave rise to my mother, not my father.

Dannielle, aka Grandma
No college education, stay at home mom since 1964
While at times illogical about money, she is one of the best people you could ever know. She raised me almost single handedly after my dad left (I dont know exactly when he left, but I know it was pretty soon after I came into this world). My mom worked quite a ways north of here at the time, and could not afford a day care service. Her only option was to first drive out of her way to my Grandma's house and stick me there for the day before going to work. My Grandma raised me well though, I have very few complaints. The only thing that really sticks out right now is when I was accused (falsely I might add) and punished for breaking a lamp. But that is one, only one event that I can think of, out of the decade that I spent with her. I would call that mission success.

Theodor, aka Grandpa
B.S. in Physics from Heidelberg College in Ohio, Doctorate in Medicine from Case Western.
Out of all the people that I know in the world, there are few people that I respect more than him. I am frequently told that I behave just like him (before the Alzheimers), which is exactly how I choose to remember him. When I was in 9th grade, my Grandpa had a stroke that got him in the hospital, and he's never been quite the same since then. Because of that he hasn't been such a good person to my Grandma. There hasn't been anything physical, but there has been alot of arguing, and then he forgets about the argument, so they have it again, and again, and again. This has made being with them unbearable as not only is that house in a state of constant anguish, but I can only see my Grandpa fall into the torment that is what is left of his once profound mind. I cannot bear to speak anymore of this subject.

Mary Anne, aka my mom
Bachelors in Psychology from Randolph Macon (recently made top 10 party schools in the country, she is greatly proud of this)
I usually resisted going home from my grandma's house after my mom would come back from work, but if I tried hard we would sometimes end up having dinner there. My mom sent me to an elementary school that was right by my grandma's house, even though there was a perfectly good school just down the road. And by just down the road, I mean walk out the front door, take a right on the sidewalk, and walk for about half a mile. There you go, a school. I wasn't supposed to talk to anybody about where I really lived since I wasn't supposed to be going to Farmland Elementary. I have no idea how she got around that, maybe stated in some papers that I lived with my Grandma. After third grade though, my Grandma was going to France too much to be able to reliably take care of me after school. I was sent to a residential day care (run by two drunks) after school. Every day I wish I could forget what happened within those walls. But I will not go into this, as this paragraph is supposed to be about my mom, the oh-great-leader of this house. Now is time for a quick question. that will eventually end in an analogy: What government has one central almighty leader, works the commam person to the point of insanity, continuously displays propoganda of how important the proletariat is for the good of everyone, and keeps a continuous watch on their subjects to ensure they do nothing that could be deemed questionable in any way? No, you are not mistaken, I did just badmouth the Soviet Union. But this is only because of the unparalleled correlation with the government here at home. For as long as I could remember, I was always happy to be with my mom. She fed me, clothed me, housed me, and would occasionally give me a gift for appearently no particular reason. I will get back to this in a moment. When I went to college, I got to experience freedom. I could do what I want, when I wanted, because I wanted to. I figured out what I needed to do to be happy, so when I'm at school I do it. I learned that I take great pleasure from interacting with my peers outside of the forced manner that is called the classroom. However, when I would leave high school after school, I always had to immediately go home, no pit stops, no staying after to ask a teacher a question, immediately go home. My mom would call at 2:49 every weekday. That is the precise time that I would get home. If I had a few too many red lights walking back, I had to run some of the way to make up for this lost time. If I was any amount late, I would have to endure the questions she would pose. I ALWAYS do everything in my power to avoid these questions, which made it seem more like an interrogation. I once told her of the similarities to interrogations, but she refused to accept this. Her exact words were as follows and I shall never forget this: "I don't interrogate you! Not once have I asked 'Did anyone see you (In reference to what I did when I got to school that morning)?' ". Now I will go back to above, where I speak of how I thought I was happy at home. It was not until this freedom from the oppression I call mumsy (I dont call her that, but it sounds better) that I realized just how miserable I was. I began to see all of the manipulation, all of the restraints, and all of the fear that she used to get me to do whatever she wanted. She uses me to get money from my grandparents, she uses me to do needless housework (I really do mean needless), and so many other things that I could speak of right now but out of fear for my sanity I dare not dwell onto that right now. But the strange thing is, I truly thought that I was happy when I was a child. I knew my life was boring, but I also knew that exciting does not equal happiness. I lived a sheltered and restrained childhood, far too sheltered for my own good. I was taught to unconditionally love my oh-great-leader from the day I was born. Not all abuse is physical.

On Lonliness

As Easter Break comes to a close, I figure I should make another post before I am yet again swamped with work. I figure the subject of lonliness is an appropriate subject, as I have experienced a great deal of it during break. I feel that lonliness is not the proper word, however, as it has a negative connotation associated with it. There has been absolutely nothing negative about being alone during break. I suppose the proper word would be Peace, not Alone.

Ever since I can remember I have been alone in my struggles against the world. Very few would have supported me in my hour of need if it ever came down to that. I would always look forward to the hour or so that I would have after school when I could do as I wish because nobody was home but me. Those were wonderful days. Absolutely wonderful. Every once and a while school would be closed for whatever reason they could think of, so I would have the day off, just for me, and only including me. Those days were some of the best of my life. With the break that is about to finish, I can safely say that this is the case here as well. Yes, I did have some homework to do, but I could easily finish the most lengthy homework assignment in a day and still have plenty of time for Hearts of Iron. I expected to do a significant amount of contemplating various topics, but instead I gave my mind the weekend off. It deserves the break as much as I do.

One of the best things to come out of this break is being able to sleep without earplugs. Normally, I must sleep with them every night, as I generally go to bed around 11, just when people decide to start partying in my dorm. I'm fine with it w=though, the earplugs block most of the noise. If those people are destined to be Comm majors, then so be it. Lately, I've been going to bed around 1, and if that wasn't good enough, no earplugs! I'm on 3 days now, hoping for one more. But this lack of noise applies not only to night, but to the day as well. There is maybe one other person in the building that I sleep in (I say that I live in the Mendel Science Center, and sleep in my room). I'm sure he doesn't mind when I start playing my music at around 11, after I take my shower. I play it at about half volume, which for me is considered blasting. It makes me happy to be able to do that again. I missed that. I will miss the quiet once break is over, but I suppose I will also be happy to see people other than Jordan and Ron.

Thinking of what my break would have been like had I gone home, I realize that I made the right decision. I absolutely love the solitude here. I wish the break could have lasted longer. Had I gone home, I would have been constantly pestered by family to do various chores that they are simply too lazy to do if they could just outsource it to me. That is how it always is when I'm home. Every once and a while I actually get the opprotunity to sit down, but thats just when I'm able to lock myself in the bathroom.

This break has been by far better than any break that I could have at home, whether my mom would be at home or not. True, I have my baby at home, with all 8 of the intel i7 core processors and all 6 gigs of RAM and a 500 gig hard drive and a graphics card to kill for (yes, kill for. Not have someone be taken back out and shot for, but actually kill for) and the beautiful windows 7 operating system. I would gladly give up an opprotunity to see my baby to have a break like this. If someone where to ask me right now "how was your break?", I'd only be able to give a grin, as I wouldn't know where to start.

Family Matters

Before coming to college, I thought to myself "how can I just give up my family like that?" when wondering what life was going to be like in the near future. Now that I have successfully adapted to this new environment, I now ask myself "why did I believe in them as much as I did?" The following is going to primarily a synopsis of the drama that my family (extended to aunts and uncles) has faced over the past few years.

My grandparents have 4 children, Chris, Tody, Danielle (goes by Nanny), and Mary Anne (my mom), with the youngest being Chris and the oldest being my mom. I shall start from the youngest and go up from there. (and in case that they search their names, I shall not put their full names on this article, as I do not think they would appreciate what I am about to put up here)

Chris:
Art History Major, recently went back to school to practice Nursing. Favorite story to tell: how he got an RA's room and installed his "keg-a-nator". I shall talk about him in reference to two eras, pre and post marriage. Before he was married, he was a fun person to be around. My favorite uncle by far (to be discussed later). It was not uncommon for him to take me on drives down the street, go sledding with him when it snowed, ect. In other words, it was the most normal human contact I have ever received. He did, however, get into drugs along with his best friend during his high school years. Chris was able to pull himself out of it, but his friend has had it much worse. He's been in and out of jail, his father killed himself by self destruction of the liver, and the mother pays for her broken down house by opening herself up to customers. I honestly don't know if any of them are still alive today. Regardless, Chris was able to pull out of this nightmare and go back to school so that he could become a nurse. He then met Colleen, a seemingly pleasant person at the time, and would eventually marry her. Only after the marriage did things start to go a little crazy. During the election, it came out just how political she is. But since this is not a political post, all I will say is that if she found out that I was a Communist, she would have me taken out back and shot, and I'm afraid to say that I may not be exaggerating. Since they have gotten married, she has done nearly everything in her powers to bring misery and ruin to Chris' life. She portrays herself as a financial master, but has only succeeded in moving out of a wonderful apartment near the Rockville town center to a rundown townhouse in "cow-country" as she calls it (when a gps took us through downtown philly one day, it reminded me of when I visited my uncles new house. I believe my phrase was "close your windows, lock your doors, and don't make eye contact"). Needless to say, I do not think too highly of her at this point. A few months ago I found out that she got pregnant (they had been trying but with limited success). My exact words when I read the e-mail were "ahh crap", as that would only be a reason to stay together instead of get a divorce, forcing the child to grow up in an undeserving position.

Tody:
Cannot recall his initial major, also went back to school to practice nursing. Favorite story to tell: the fish that got away. Growing up, I never really used to like Tody. He had three kids with his first wife, born in 92, 93, and 95 and one kid with his new wife. His first wife was a psychopath, but it was not difficult to see why he wanted to have her children. He knew that even before they got married, she had been cheating on him. She even brought her affair to the wedding. It was not long until they got divorced, she remarried, and had two more children. Somehow she was able to "convince" the right person that Tody needed to be paying child support for her two other children as well (she knows what people like, remembers what she has, and uses that (or should I say them) to get what she wants). His first three children were almost demonic. The two older ones once locked Tody out of the house and put the youngest one in the oven; they have also run after the babysitter with knives. Today and Chris have not been on the best of terms since Chris' wedding. I do not exactly know the reason, but they have essentially ceased all communication with each other. Tody had two houses, one in Rockville (technically my grandparents house, he was staying there) and one somewhere in West Virginia. When he refused to pay taxes anymore on the house in Rockville, he was informed to move to the one in WV (I had a significant role in this decision. My grandma did not want to kick him out but I was able to convince her otherwise for reasons I shall not disclose here) as the one in Rockville was going to be sold. He started looking for another house, this time on the Chesapeake Bay (as he has a love for fishing and crabbing), and just after they moved in, the house in WV burned down. His life was finally starting to come together, and then this happens. It was not what he needed. The cause is still unknown, but either way this will not make his life any easier. *Forgot to mention earlier, also did drugs, but pulled out from it.

Nanny:
Sociology major, two children, soccer fanatic. This life is full of drama involving her husbands family, I shall get to that in another post if I wish to do so. Since this a post about my aunt and uncles, it would be inappropriate to go into that. She has your typical case of keeping-up-with-the-Jones' syndrome. Likely to have a shopping disorder, this anorexic sees things in her own, separate reality. She has a mountain of credit card debt, and it was so bad that she was begging her parents for money so that "Gabby and Nicholas (her two children) can eat". As soon as my grandma would write the check for $800, Nanny's house would magically get a gift from the plasma TV fairy. Give me $800 and that's nearly 2 years of my personal expenses budget. This went on for just over a year (I was able to enlighten my grandma of just how delusional they were both being). I frequently compared Nanny to a drug addict, and all my grandma was doing was enabling her by funding this maddness. I understand the mother instinct, but Nanny seriously needed to hit bottom, she has never had to face a financial consequence in her entire life as my grandma has ALWAYS been there to bail her out. It is partly because of this that my grandparents refused to pay for my college tuition, which they had been continuously promising me since I was in elementary school. The reason Nanny likes soccer is because she married a Brazilian, who used to play soccer. He passed this down to his two children, they enjoy the sport, but Nanny has taken this way too war. It has come to the point that the children will see no love from their mother unless they are playing soccer. To put it into perspective, soccer dominates Nanny's thoughts more than the physics and Communism combined dominate my thoughts. When I ask Gabby "what do you think about soccer?" the response is usually "its alright." If I ask Nanny what Gabby thinks about soccer, the response is always "Ohh my gawwd, soccer is amazing. Gabby is clearly the best one on the team and I just know that she's going to be someone important when she grows up" (que the tears). I have seen Gabby play; slightly below average. Similar case with the other child, yet he is still in the early fanaticism with the sport. Soon he shall grow to resent the sport as a result from the constant pushing to run around and kick a ball to make mommy happy. I feel bad for those two, I truly do.

I would talk about my mom and grandparents now, but I grow tired. They are for another day.

My Views of Religion

I am a man on science. I believe in what I can see, what can be verified in a lab and that there are laws that govern the Universe. I was not taught to accept this as a child, my parents were neutral on this subject, allowing me to decide for myself what to believe. I didn’t really think much about religion until freshman year of high school, when I saw an episode of the Simpsons in one of my classes (where the school starts teaching creationism instead of Darwinism). Even though this was only a mere cartoon that I was watching, the effects on my life have been profound. In the cartoon, the students take a test about creationism, with questions such as “where do people come from?” and “where did dinosaurs come from?” It was appalling to me that the answers to all of these were ‘God’. I know that this is a dramatization of what creationists think (or at least I hope) as a mechanism to evoke laughter from the audience, but this comes from a very real place. This is what creationists think is true, even when there is overwhelming evidence of the contrary. I then came up with a scenario, that two people are holding a blue book, one is a deeply religious person, and the other is a regular person you found on the street. The religious person opens up the bible to gain knowledge about the blue book, while the normal person looks in the blue book itself. The religious person then finds somewhere in the bible that there cannot possibly be any blue books in the world, so he comes to the conclusion that his eyes are wrong, that perhaps it is a red book and he just discovered that he was in fact color blind. He shows this passage to the normal person, but the normal person does not believe him. He says “I hold in my hands what you claim does not exist. You say that your eyes deceive you when you look upon this book, as well as the rest of all living creatures on this earth. If your eyes deceive you here, why do they not deceive you while you are reading your bible? I know that the book I hold is blue; if I ask anyone else they shall agree with me that my book is blue. I trust my own eyes to gain knowledge of the truth, rather than a single line from a book that has been repeatedly translated over the past several thousand years.” Even though there is no such line in the bible, this scenario proved a point for me. It proved that people believe in what they can see, and what they can feel. We are not so keen on only believing what we have been told. This has been demonstrated over the past several thousand years (primarily in the U.S. where we recently have branched into hundreds of denominations) where various religions form, in which its followers are brainwashed to follow their leader into allowing him to have 10 of your children. These people may believe that this person is ‘The One True God’ (or whatever his title may be), but that is only because they have rejected reality and substituted nonsense in its place. But then, when you take away the father of 86 from this equation, you realize that what you have are the dominant religions of the world. In my opinion (with great emphasis on ‘my opinion’ here), this is brainwashing on a global scale; people being told to believe something that they cannot verify is the ultimate truth of the Universe.
I can understand a need for organized religion in the past, as a way to quench the thirst of (at the time) unattainable knowledge. It was once established fact that the Earth was created in 7 days. Now, we have rocks dated to billions of years ago, and that’s just here on earth. By doing a very simply calculation, we can find that the Universe is about 13.7 billion years old, much older than the 6000 years old proposed by the bible. I have seen for myself how the universe follows rules, I have done the experiment where I have to guess exactly where the ball will land after I shoot it off the ramp, and my equations did not fail me. I factored in the initial velocity, the angles of the ramp, and the height, and the friction of the ramp in order to get the answer that I did. There is no God constant in Newton’s laws. It was not God that put the ball on the X; it was the gravitational attraction of the Earth on the ball. But then I ask myself, “Where did all of these equations come from?” I know that Newton discovered these truths, but he did not create them. Nobody here on Earth created these equations that govern all of nature. For now, the only explanation that we have is that some overseeing force created them, perhaps a God. I am fairly certain, however, that one day people will look back at our time and say “Ha! They actually thought that God created the Universe?!” Just like we look back and say “Ha! They actually thought humans were made out of clay?!” I often call myself an Agnostic Deist, as I don’t believe that we can prove if a God does or does not exist. I have been taught by science to not overlook an idea just because it hasn’t been proven, as it hasn’t been disproven yet either. That is the Agnostic part of me talking. The Deist part, however, has a bit more to say regarding the existence of a God. I will pretty much say that even if a God does exist, s/he does not care about us anymore, if s/he is even aware that we exist. (I use the term God loosely here as ‘the creator’, and nothing more). Even if they are aware of our existence, they can either do nothing to aid us, or have decided to remove themselves from the Universe in order to ensure the laws that govern nature always remain the same.

I would have continued here, but then I realized that I was over the limit of my essay as it was. I may or may not continue this at a later time.