Some things that need to be said

I know that not many people follow my blog. Even my closest friends admit that they neglect to read even the most important posts. I expect the following to be a mostly self reflective rant involving topics that may or may not have been already covered. In which case, don't bother reading it unless you have absolutely nothing better to do.

It doesn't take much for me to start feeling down about myself. It only takes a few minutes of not being preoccupied by a conversation or whatnot before I can start self reflecting. Looking back at myself I see nothing worthy of mentioning here, other than the general fact that I have been one dissapointment and failure after another. As a result of this, it has inadvertantly become my life goal to please others. I know that this isn't good for me, but I can't take the rejection, I just can't. After elementary school, my life took a downward spiral that it has yet to even consider recovering from, I have been an outcast since I switched schools. The only people that I could ever make friends with were those that didn't have any either, and there was usually a pretty good reason why they didn't have any. Before I came to college I would say that at least I had one good friend, but only now do I realize that I hardly know a thing about him. I noticed today that numerous times I almost slipped and called some different people by his name, I'm not quite sure what this means, but it may have some minor significance.

I didn't really know who I was until the middle of 11th grade, after I finished the rough draft of my book. It was then that I started growing apart from my friend. In all of my life, I have never "gone out", or even gone for a walk. As soon as school was over at 2:10, I would head directly home, as I knew that both my mom and grandma would call to make sure I actually did make it. If I was 5 minutes late, I was certain that an amber alert would have been issued. My family (when I say my family, I'm referring to my mom, grandma, and grandpa here, as they are the only ones that I consider family. The rest are strangers that I happen to share some DNA with) knew that I wouldn't be able to handle the world if I had to. They were right in being worried. This made going to college a real shock for me, as I expected. Soon after my family left, one of the first things that I did was go for a walk. My walks to and from high school offered great relaxation for me, and I definitely could have used some the first few days of school. Back in MD (I hesitate to say home here, as I am now uncertain of where that really is), all of my frustrations, anxieties, anger, and all negative thoughts in general were channeled through my video games. Whether I'm blowing up cars, shooting nazis, or taking over the world, I had a place where I could go, and not have to ever worry about being rejected. Machines are beautiful because of their unfaultering obedience, even though I may get an occasional error message, I would never get a message that says "Sorry, you can't play playstation right now because I don't like you anymore since you forgot to say thank you last time. Try again later when I'm in a better mood, and until then, **** off ".

This may sound strange but often times if something negative is said to me directly, all I will do is absorb and replay the exact words in my head. Those words will slowly mutate into something much worse and with a terrible tone attached to it. Even if it is only something minor, I replay it in my head so many times that the exaggerated version becomes the truth for me, as that is how I remember it best. Thats probably why I remember so many more arguments in my life than happy times. When people are happy, they live in the now, not worrying about wanting to remember it later. When people are unhappy, they live everywhere but in the now, and those thoughts will stay with them for life.

Alot can be said about me by the type of music that I listen to (I know its a bit of a jump, but I don't care, why are you bothering to read this anyway?!?). It's mostly classical with some songs with words in there (Red Army Choir and Pavarotti). Music has become my new video game since coming to college. Not in the sense that I can take over the world or kill nazis with music, but that it offers a place for me to get lost in, a place where I can go to no matter what. The only thing is, I only dwell in this area when necessary (when overcome by depression), and it is not exactly cured by listening to songs promoting the equality of the motherland, or whatever the crap (this is as far as I go when it comes to cursing for those who for some reason don't already know) they're saying. It is only cured when monday comes and I go to my morning class, engaging in the process of human interaction. It is because of this interaction that I placed so much emphasis on school, and valued my education so highly, but this education did come at a high price. It was not necessarily money that I had to pay (I almost wish it had been instead of the alternative) but the friends and experiences that I would never have. When I was really little, I remember wishing that I was a grown up. My mom would usually respond by saying that she wished she was my age. While she wanted to go back for a different reason than myself, I now see that she was correct in that. I also wish I could go back, tell myself to talk to that girl that I had a crush on, tell myself to go ask one of my aquaintances if I could go to the party they were throwing. But when I start to think about the idea of parallel universes, I realize that in at least one world, I do go and do all that I wish I could have done. And for the 09edwarc in that world, rock on! You have done something I could barely dream of doing.

I try to convince myself that this is all for the better of things, "delayed gratification" I always tell myself. But I don't know that, I know I don't know that. If things do improve I doubt it will be by that much, and thats a pretty big "if" anyway, so I shouldn't bother worrying about it. I've accepted the fact that I will never have children, not unless I donate certain organisms to a needy couple that wouldn't want me to be in the picture anyway. When I say that around someone, they usually respond by saying "I'm sure you will some day". Thats usually when I just stop talking. They don't know that, nobody knows that! If by some miracle I am ever in a position in which reproduction may occur (marriage, fling, prostitution, ect...), I don't want to have to be responsible bringing another innocent being into this overpopulated cesspool they call Earth. To exist, is the ultimate punishment for all beings. It is a struggle to survive for most of us, but we don't even know why we bother to try. I can say with almost complete certainty that all that awaits us after death is darkness, the absence of thought, the ultimate sanctuary (don't worry, I'm not suicidal, thats just my vision of what lies ahead).

I don't know why I try to be happy anymore, it only makes me more depressed when I fail at that too. It was actually my new years resolution to try to be happier this year. That is by far the craziest one yet, even moreso than the year I decided to not use any public bathrooms. Should I give up now, and save myself from the pain later? Or do I keep trying? Hoping that this world, out of the infinitely many out there that I reside on, is one where it finally works out for me.